La Regresa

So it’s been awhile! I took a break from posting on my blog while I was working in Atlanta for a group called Teach for America (a little misleading to be a Yankee in PR if I’m actually in Georgia).

Now that I’m back, I have decided that I’m never going to leave. Well, at least not permanently. I may even apply for Puerto Rican citizenship!

What has impressed me most is the resiliency of the Puerto Rican consumer during these months of economic crisis in the states. In Puerto Rico, we have been in a recession for some 2 years (or so we guess since the government doesn’t bother to keep accurate economic data), but people in the metro area are still buying things like they always do. None of our banks are in danger of foreclosure, in fact, Banco Popular bought out Citibank here on the island, and Bank of America recently filed papers for permission to open a branch here.

Mix that with the beauty of the tropics and the fact that we don’t pay federal income taxes, and I’ d say we’ve got a pretty good thing going.

¡Aquí me quedo!

Driving in Puerto Rico

It has taken me awhile to broach the topic of driving in Puerto Rico. Practically the only thing which can put me in mal humor about my new home is the maldito tapon (embotellamiento), the sometimes horrible driving of my compatriotas, and the absurd driving rules and even more absurd oficina de obras publicas. This entry is specifically for anyone coming from outside to PR who plans on driving or getting a license, however, it might prove humorous or relatable to those of you who already live here. To that end, here is a list of things that new drivers in PR should look out for. This is in two parts: the necessity of a car and dealing with the PR DMV (obras publicas).


Rule number 1: You need a car. Or you need a friend with a car. Or you need a lot of money for a taxi, in which case, you could buy a car. Let me explain. When I first got to the island I rode the bus. Simple enough, correct? San Juan does have a bus system called the "AMA" or Autoridad Metropolitana de Autobuses. However, anyone who has taken a Spanish class probably knows that here in PR no one calls the Autobus an Autobus, they call it a guagua. The guagua also has a schedule, which I'm convinced, was created solely for the purpose of providing jobs to people in the paper and ink industries. It also has a standardized route system which, on paper, appears to have been drawn by Salvador Dali on amphetamines.

As I didn't have a job when I first got here, or a place of my own, or any friends, the bus was really my only option (trust me, the story of how I got here and set myself up without ending up at the corner of De Diego and Loiza begging for enough money for a return ticket is a completely different blog). I soon learned that waiting for a bus was proof of Einstein's theory of relativity. Once you stand next to the green parada, the "15 minutes" by which each bus is supposed to pass by is completely subject to the time-keeping powers of your respective bus driver. You could see two Metrobuses within 2 minutes, or wait 2 hours for an A-5. It was a toss of the dice. But since I was jobless, I didn't really mind. If anything it gave me a chance to practice my Spanish, see the city and meet many..."interesting" people.

San Juan also has a subway system, or a light rail to be exact. This clean and modern train system goes from Bayamon, PR, one of the main suburbs, to Santurce, a neighborhood in the middle of San Juan. Where it does not go, however, was everywhere that I wanted to be. There are also publicos or pisicorres (sp?) which are minibuses of various shapes and sizes ranging from mini school buses to Astro vans. I've heard from various people that these are actually the most useful modes of public transportation, but one first needs to know where each bus goes. A friend told me that once you near your destination you simply yell "Me deje" and the driver will drop you off just like it were a taxi. Fortunately, I got my own set of wheels before I was forced to test this advice.

So I bought my car shortly after getting my first job here. So desperate was I for wheels that I opened up the classifieds, found the cheapest car with a model date after 2000 and went to test drive it. I found myself at a laundromat driving a used Chevy owned by a Dominican with a pawn shop and a prestamos or loan business. This dude was pure sketch. I have no idea where he originally got the car, but as it ran well, I took it. Here's the deal: from the moment I bought it, the check engine light came on along with the service engine light, the ABS brake light, and the high-beams light (which never goes off). The radio didn't shut off when I shut the car off. The horn didn't work. There is still no overhead light. Two days later the back tire blew up and a day after that the right turn signal light fell out. Yes, it fell out of my car. Was I mad? Not at all. This car has saved me countless hours of waiting at the bus stop getting talked to by those "interesting" people I mentioned.

However, having a car has not been all peaches and cream (or guayaba y queso maybe?). My first trial came when I let the marbete expire.

Tip #1 - All cars sold in PR have a marbete which is similar to a registration sticker. This is renewed annually and for all cars older than 2 years, requires an inspection to be purchased. It also includes seguro compulsario or obligatory liability insurance of up to $3,000. You need to make sure this is uptodate as this is one thing which the police pay close attention to.

If you fail to get your marbete before it expires, you need to go to the Colecturia. This all-encompassing collection bureau is, at least in San Juan, only open until 3:00 pm. So I had to drive out to Bayamon and wait in line for 2 hours to get my sticker. Lesson learned: Don't let things expire here.

Here is where my biggest advice comes. Limit your dealings with the Puerto Rican DMV, known as Obras Publicas, or Department of Transportation and Public Works. If Satan had a useless brother-in-law I'm pretty sure he would have created this place and put him in charge of it.

There came a time when my US driver's license was near its expiration and I needed to exchange it for a PR one.

Tip #2: Most US states have limited reciprocity with Puerto Rico. That is, in order to get your PR license, you need to take a written driver's test. In order to get the opportunity to take this test, you need to show up to Obras Publicas before 3:00 pm with the following documents:

1. Application
2. Medical Certificate
3. 11 IRS stamps
4. Copy of passport or birth certificate and original
   
5. Copy of social security card and original
6. Driving record from the state from which you came
7. 4 passport-sized photos
8. Stateside Driver's license
9. Proof of address in the form of an electric bill or water bill
10. If you are not the one who pays these bills, you need a letter from the person who does saying that you live at this address.
    

With all of these in proper order you may then be deemed worthy of sitting for the written license exam. I, however, was not aware of all of these requirements (not all of these documents are listed on the application or the website) and went 3 TIMES TO OBRAS PUBLICAS, each time being told that I needed more documents.

When I finally passed the bureaucratic frontlines, I was permitted to the back room where they administer the test. Now one would think that after driving for 10+ years, a written test would be facil. Not so caballero, not so. Half the test (at least my test) were about the fines given out for different offenses. Luckily I bought the unofficial driving test study guide at Walgreens (yes, the study guide is sold at local pharmacies) and now feel that I am a qualified paralegal in transit law.

Here comes the fun part. The last time that I had passed by Obras Publicas was the day my license expired. The gentleman at the counter told me I was missing yet another document, but signed my form anyways and said that if I came back in a reasonable amount of time I would get my license anyways, as opposed to the learner's permit which is the fate of all those who take the test without a valid driver's license. I think you can see where I'm going with this...

Three days after taking my test I returned to pick up my new Puerto Rican license. The lady who was assisting me seemed confused that my license wasn't available and went around preguntando her coworkers. They explained that because I had taken the test after my license expired, I was only eligible for a learner's permit. Long story short, I took what was probably the most pissed-off learner's permit photo in Puerto Rican history.

Tip #2: Don't let things expire.

Tip #3: Learn from Tip #2 the first time, like when you had to wait in line at the Colecturia for 2 hours on a Saturday.

Here's some real advice:

Because everyone acknowledges this to be among the most inefficient systems known to man, there have arisen whole industries based upon taking care of this for you. If you are in need of renewing your license then my advice is this:

1) Go to a License Renewal office. Yes, there are businesses which will do all of the paperwork and legwork for you in order to take your test. All you have to do is show up.

2) If you have to take a practical or driving test, contact a Driving School. I used Alfonso's Driving School. These guys will take care of all the paperwork for you, make you an appointment at the driving course (which, by the way, is not in the same area as the Obras Publicas), and what's more, they are friends with the test administrators.

In short, money and contacts will save you a lot of time here. That's not to say that people are corrupt (well, everyone in government is at least a little corrupt. Just read El Nuevo Dia), but enterprising Puertorros have found an economic niche where inefficiency exists. If you learn to do as the natives do and take advantage of these areas, then you will undoubtedly have an easier time of it than I did. It took me far too long to realize that what was protocol in Vermont is not always so here.

Another tip - and this one came from a Puerto Rican friend of mine. If you speak English - SPEAK ENGLISH when you go to a government office. Most likely whoever you first meet will be so scared of speaking with you they will find a higher-ranking official with better English skills, who in turn, will get things done for you far faster than if you decided to practice your own limited Spanish skills. Just a thought.

You can probably see why this took me a while to write. Having reflected on the whole process, I can laugh about it now, though definitely me enoje at the time. If you are someone who is coming to PR for any length of time, don't be too proud to ask the locals what they would do for a given situation. In most cases you will save yourself a lot of time and energy than were you to go it alone.

Puerto Rican Fashion

One difference between fashion here and in the States – looking good on the mainland is not the same as looking good down here. I’m not talking about Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts and flip-flops which are not fashionable anywhere (and are only worn by visiting gringos to be sure). Rather, I mean that clothes which one would buy in the States, and be complemented upon for wearing, are not appreciated down here.

I’ll give you an example. In the US I used to wear many dress shirts (sometimes expensive shirts) with equally expensive ties. When in doubt I always had a girl help me pick out the most appealing stuff. I had a closet of Kenneth Cole, Joseph & Feiss, Tommy Hilfiger, Crazy Horse, and other brands from Macy’s, Men’s Wearhouse and whatever other store where I could waste my money. I had khakis, dress pants, linen pants, and suits. I bought my shoes at ALDO’s and had the Askmen.com fashion page bookmarked. The point being that I was (usually) well dressed and people told me so. I knew what looked good for both business and casual, right down to my pink polo with Sperry Topsider boat shoes (yes, I occasionally wore such things. It was the coastal South after all.)

What I have found here, however, is a focus on a different kind of fashion. For a state that is supposedly suffering a three year recession, they are very concerned about style. Perfumerias seem to be on every corner hawking the latest J.Lo fragrance and über-expensive designer colognes. The Caribbean’s only Macy’s is located in a San Juan mall along with Brooks Brothers, Armani, Gucci, Guess, Hugo Boss, Lacoste and many other stores. If you cannot afford those, there are ten-thousand stores with copies of the latest fashions at a range of prices and qualities. Everyone here seems to gravitate towards their own personal trend, however, I have found a few commonalities to differentiate Boricua style from my former home:

Tighter clothing. Everyone, men included, tend to wear more tailored (or sometimes just plain tight) clothing which hugs the body even when he/she does not have the body for it. This includes jeans. Whereas jeans on young men in the States tend to be baggier, they are more tapered in PR (not cowboy tight, but you get the picture).

Darker colors. While one might think of caribeños as wearing brightly colored, tropical-influenced clothes, the truth is that most wear darker solid colors more common in the Northeast.

Flip-Flops – there aren’t any. At least not as day-wear. People wear these if they are going to the beach or if they are staying at home. The PR equivalent are Crocs, which are worn by both men and women in every color and style known to man and are seen at the beach and at work. During the day most men wear shoes and women often wear high-heeled cork sandals with a minimum height of at least 5 inches.

Fragrances – While cologne and perfume is not foreign to us Gringos, it is an observed daily ritual for many puertorros. Nearly every gift-giving exchange, either among friends or co-workers, is guaranteed to include a bottle of fragrant (and often caro) spray or lotion. I have yet to meet a poor-smelling Boricua and this fondness for the (spray) bottle might be the reason.

Pants and Long Sleeves – Prior to my first trip to the island I went to Men’s Wearhouse to purchase some articles. A gentleman from there who happened to be a travel agent on the side recommended that I buy a floral print shirt and some shorts. I declined his advice and was proven wise. No one here wears that stuff. In the middle of summer people are dressed for a New England fall. Every store sells sweaters, jackets, vests, toboggans and other cold weather articles. *[This might not make a lot of sense, but enter any building here with AC and you’ll understand why they can legitimately sell winter clothes!)

There are other differences, and similarities, far too many to list here. The main point being that what you found fashionable, and what people complemented you on in the US, may not be what is de moda down here. If you’re confident in your style, however, then it really doesn’t matter what you wear – people will probably still hit on you or at least be too polite to tell you that you look like a clown. People down here are kind of cool that way.

http://www.plazalasamericas.net

Domino College

$4.28 is what it costs to buy a nice box of double-six dominos at Topeka in San Juan. Topeka is kind of a legend here – a place for cheap home goods that has been around since God knows when. They happen to sell multiple types of dominos, which is the unofficial national sport of the Caribbean. I bought a really nice set with the Puerto Rican flag on the back.

I brought them back home and Mateo and I tried to teach ourselves the game based on the directions included in the box. Then we reverted to looking up the rules on the internet. Then I started calling Puerto Rican friends. Who knew that a piece of plastic with numbers on it (they call them “bones” down here) would cause such a logistical headache?

Later Mateo convinced me to walk down to “Nancy Places” (yes, I spelled that correctly) for a beer. This little hole in the wall just down the street from our house is literally 10’x 20’ and always has a bunch of regulars sitting outside (and I mean always). I stop by there quite a bit, but I never really talk to anyone. This time, however, my neighbor was in there along with a couple of younger guys and we talked smack for a good 10 minutes before I broke out the dominos.

Now I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing, but Puerto Ricans love dominos. I knew this already, but as soon as I took out the “bones” and told them I didn’t know how to play, they slapped them down on the table and began shuffling. With mouths that go 10,000 millas por hora they tried to explain to my friend and I how to play the game and the strategy behind each move. Frankly, what I thought to be a really simple game for old people who like to drink is actually a mixture of gin rummy and chess and requires some mathematical ability (how they do it after a case of Medalla I don’t know, but kudos to you my domino-playing friends).

The best part of the story is that I won. Well, we won, the Dominican bar owner and I. We partnered up against Mateo and the neighbor and took them down 2 out of 3. The even better part – she wouldn’t let Mateo forget it. She practically chased us down the street saying “Ganamos y tu perdiste” “We won and you lost.”

For a little more on Puerto Rican Dominos, check out: http://j_carrillo_vii.tripod.com/dominoes.htm#BasicGame

Matt Comes, Explosion at Placita, Piñones Redux

My friend Matt came in on Tuesday for an indefinite period of time. Here is a list of things we've done so far:


Go to Piñones (really chill beach town about 15 min outside of the airport that is filled with different fried food and seafoodbars), eat expensive seafood, go on a tour with my Dominican Mother (the Dominican woman in whose house I stay. She has adopted me and my friend as well).

Go on the free food and drinks tour of Old San Juan. I took him to Casa Don Q which, if you're interested, is a mini museum and bar for Serralles Distillery that offers free rum drinks to anyone who stops by. Right next door is the Sheraton Hotel and Casino. Now I told you that to tell you this - casinos in Puerto Rico are your ticket to free food. Nearly any casino in PR will give you free sandwiches, beer, coffee, soup and soda if you ask for it. And so long as you look like you're playing, you don't really have to play. That being said, the machines are only 5 cents a play so you're really not losing much if you do gamble. We had a great time and walked up to one of Viejo San Juan's many plazas where a guy asked us for 75 cents and then offered to sell us weed or coke. After considering his offer for 0 seconds, I lamented, "Q nos pasa Puerto Rico?" which caught the attention of a rather large homeless gentleman who began to explain in rather good English that all Puerto Ricans wanted their independence from the Great Satan and that he was a licensed engineer who was homeless because of the American occupation. I listened quite nicely until he called my friend and I babykillers due to our apparent Gringoness (I didn't bother to tell him that I live here and teach Puerto Rican children). So after reminding him that he is also an American and therefore as culpable as I in any perceived American faults, I wished him a buen dia and left.

Friday I went to Placita with Matt and my girlfriend. She being quite knowledgeable of the San Juan night scene, took us to a small bar that sold very strong rum drinks. We were having a great time listening to music, talking about random stuff, and just joking around. As we were preparing to go home, my girlfriend mentioned that she really wanted to smoke a cigarette; a habit which I personally find "distasteful" to say the least and nauseating at best. I said, "If you smoke you're not staying the night at my place." Now before I could explain myself or mention that she has made similar ultimatums for me, she said, "you can't tell me what to do. I'll smoke a cigarette if I want to" and stormed off.

Notice I never told her she couldn't smoke a cigarette - I just told her she couldn't sleep there. Now had she bothered to listen instead of getting mad she would have learned that this is because I get nauseous when smelling cigarette smoke up close (i.e. - on someone's person) and seeing as I had been drinking, I didn't want to vomit on my lovely novia during the night.

As she was our only ride (not to mention I can't stand to see her mad) I ran after her. She was about to head into a store to buy cigarettes for the sole purpose of spiting me and I asked her not to. She said, "I can't talk to you right now and I'm DEFINITELY not staying over." Fair enough. Of course as I only get to see her once a week, this didn't seem like a good option. So I reverted to my traditional means of coercion in such matters - I apologized like a whiny little bitch. I think at one point I even offered to buy her a carton of cigarettes. Oddly this had no affect. So having had enough of pleading and immasculation I let her go and walked inside to listen to my friend Matt's wisdom - "Dude, you need to chill the f*%& out." Well said Matt, well said.

The next day the gf passed by the apartment and we made up - sort of. She was still a little pissed at something (probably me) but as I know that "everything's all right" means "I'm pissed and I'm not going to tell you why so that you sit uncomfortably and unsuccessfully try to make me feel better," we passed the time quietly and watched Gangs of New York (why does Leo Dicaprio play all of these Irish roles? Think about it).

Later, Matt and I made it back to Piñones and went to a little place called the Reef Bar which sits right on the ocean. Only problem being that said bar also has a large shade tree which is home to a hoard of no-seeums which feasted on my flesh until I finished my Medalla. We moved next door to this shady bar/restaurant with fluorescent lighting and a HUGE line of people waiting for their pinchos (seasoned grilled meat on a stick). This was our hangout - dollar Medallas and plates of tostones. We now can claim true beach bum status as we now have an official beach bar to call our own.

Today we went to Walmart to pick up a cooler and a grill. Matt finds the grill impractical, however, I would maintain that many Puerto Ricans bring one to the beach, not to mention it's utility at home. Plus, how are we supposed to have a Cheeseburger in Paradise if we don't have a grill upon which to cook it?


P.S. - if you read this post and think that I'm absolutely annoyed with my girlfriend, its not the case at all. We made up and I can honestly say I love her more than anyone I know. She's a great girl (if a bit hard-headed at times, but of course so am I). I wrote that bit about Placita more for its entertainment value than anything (and its also where I get to share my side of events without angering the novia :-) If you've been there and have similar stories, feel free to post them on the comments. Until next time, vaya con Dios.

From Vieques

First full day on Vieques and its a mixed bag of tricks. For one, it is perhaps the cleanest place I've been since being here and definitely the most laid back. There are a lot of American ex-pats here (if living in an American territory can qualify you as an expat) and the people are very friendly. When we got to Fajardo we discovered that all of the parking spots were taken so we drove around for half an hour looking for another public parking space. Then we realized that as people getting off the incoming ferry got their cars there would be plenty of spaces (I think the Caribbean sun has been getting to me). So as my girlfriend waited I went to the ticket office to buy our tickets. However, (and this will surprise no one from PR) the system was down and they decided not to open up the ticket window except to residents of Vieques. So after a 3 hour wait we finally purchased tickets then stood like a bunch of dumb sheep in front of the dock to await the ferry which was (and once again this will surprise no one) delayed by half an hour. We eventually left at 7:30 on what was supposed to be a 6:00 ferry and arrived at our hotel around 9:30.

The one highlight of that first night was the restaurant we went to - the Blue Macaw. We happened upon it quite by accident but luckily they were still open. Its a really trendy place with weird artwork on the walls and an eclectic taste in music (not to mention food). We had pana (breadfruit) tostones with a thai drizzle, Emy ordered a curry chicken and I had wasabi pea-encrusted tuna served seared on the outside and raw on the inside. Along with two mojitos each and tip the bill came to about $100 even.

Now the food sat well with me, but my novia unfortunately, and rather comically, spent most of the next morning - well I probably don't need to go into detail as to the nature of her ailment. But luckily there are many colmados on Vieques that had just the stuff to cure her ills. My ills were cured by the mixture of beer and coffee that I ingested at various parts of the morning along with freshly baked pan de agua.

The gist of the story is that I am now sitting underneath the stairs of Blackbeard's Sports in Isabel II which serves as one of the island's only internet cafes. We spent most of the day just lying in bed at our hotel while it rained (and continued to rain) for most of the day. By my description you might think that this has been a deplorable vacation, however, it has been quite memorable. Once one resigns oneself to the mental depradations of travel then it all becomes comical. However, should arriving late, walking in the rain and running to the store at 7:30 to get pepto and imodium for your girlfiend not sound like a relaxing vacation then allow me to give you some tips:

1) Get ferry tickets early. Reserve at least 1 month in advance, and although the people at the office rarely pickup, keep calling until they do. If this is not possible then arrive at least 2 hours in advance in order to beat the line and guarantee yourself a ticket.

2) Pack your own food (under no circumstances order food from the bar behind the ticket office)

3) Reserve a hotel in Esperanza - its further away (like 10 minutes) but its absolutely beautiful.

4) Check the weather forecast! Granted, I did this and it said sunny all day. Better yet, have one of the locals teach you dominos. That's a Puertorro rainy day.

5) Most importantly, go with someone you love (or at least reasonably get along with). You might be spending quite a bit of time with that person.

I'm A Baller

I'm a Valentine's Day baller. First, let me suggest that you get yourself a Puerto Rican girlfriend if you do not already have one. Mine is half Puerto Rican by blood but is completamente Boricua in behavior. She is also quite beautiful and deserving of every Valentine's Day (or any other day) gift she may receive. I started out by sending flowers to her work, importing Victoria Secret's perfume and a candle (VS doesn't have a store here), shipping in star-shaped chocolates (she's a big fan of stars), and then taking her out to dinner the next night. I had reserved a table at her favorite hang out - Double Team in Guaynabo -not knowing that such a thing is usually reserved for birthdays. She didn't want to go, which was alright with me - it just meant more time I could spend alone with her. This weekend we're going to Vieques which is Taino for "Paradise of the Ballers" or something like that. The real moral of this story is that a gringo such as myself can move from being just another white guy in NC to vacationing on white sand beaches with a beautiful latina.

I heard it was snowing like hell at my parent's place.